I was recently contacted by the California based company Man Crates, visit their site HERE, who specialize in gifts/survival kits for the manly man and shipping them in specially designed wooden crates for that extra rugged feel. What Man Crates contacted me about was that they were interested in me writing a blog for Halloween that would detail what I would want in a Horror Movie Survival Crate. Once I read the email then visiting their site and seeing their zombie survival pack I was super excited!
As I am a HUGE horror movie fan I am really eager to put in my two cents on what I would want in my own personal survival pack. Also, I am going to be thinking of a survival pack that can hopefully carry a person through to the end in most horror genres instead of just focusing on one specific type of horror genre. Also, I will be breaking the 4th Wall here to make sure I survive!
Item #1: THE GLAIVE: Ok, so I will start off with something basic here. Most survivors in a horror film end up using a weapon of some sort to at least fend off an attacker, at least one from the physical realm, to last at least a few more scenes in the film. So for this item I am thinking of something that is both functional and reusable, one that doesn’t require ammo. A Weapon for every occasion!!! So, for my weapon of choice I pick…THE GLAIVE from the movie KRULL!!! Yeah KRULL isn’t a horror movie exactly, it is fantasy with some whacked out looking creatures that look like they are rejects from the horror movie CHUD. But the weapon of the film, The Glaive, was a boomerang, disintegrating machine of DEATH! You throw it, it flies around and hits anything you need it to and not only that whatever it touches disintegrates in flash of light. No need to worry about alien acid blood getting on you, a Slasher coming back from the dead, a zombie not getting hit in the brain. If the Glaive hits its target it is gone…COMPLETELY. SO FUCK YES, you get one of those. If The Glaive isn’t a man’s man weapon then nothing is!
Item #2: Certified Virgin Card: Ok, so not every horror movie can be survived by brute forceor weapons. Sometimes a person needs a little passive defense and fake virtue to get through a slasher nightmare massacre. As we all know, virgins survive most of the slasher films so it is important to be able to flash your virgin pride while trying to get through a horror movie. Are you not a virgin? Have you had more wieners in you than a hot dog factory? Have you filled more holes than a Dukes of Hazzard road crew? NO NEED TO WORRY! I have enlisted the best forgery experts in the world to print up a genuine virgin card, with your name on it, proclaiming your virginity that you can present to any slasher that is about cleave your head like the legs of a three dollar hooker working on half price day. I put my personal guarantee on it.
Item #3: Viral Blood Test Kit: Ok so not all horror threats are obvious or outward. Some threats can come from within…like REALLY within. I’m talking about horror movies like ‘The Thing’ where the enemy can get to you on a cellular level through you bloodstream and make you mistrust even your closest friend. If you want to make sure you can trust the people closest to you… you need a Man Crate Horror Survival Blood Test Kit. That’s right. Sometimes all you need is a hot copper wire, a Petri dish and blood samples of the people you love that could turn into a skinless, mutating doppelganger at any moment and bite your arms and face off.
Item #4: Undead Passion #1: Ok, this one is just covering the bare basics for a Zombie threat but it should get you by until you get the proper Man Crate Zombie Survival Crate. Sometimes what you need more than a full clip of bullets to shoot into zombie heads is just the ability to camouflage yourself. That is why my crate comes supplied with a small bottle of Zombie Scent. This scent was secretly developed in a government lab to make you smell like a rotting zombie so you can successfully navigate the undead hoards unmolested and with your brain intact. Also, this scent smells like Kim Kardashian, because honestly, even zombies have things they won’t touch.
Item #5: The Necronomicon: Sometimes there are threats that are beyond solutions this world can offer. Sometimes threats lie beyond the realm of the living and mortal plane. That is why you need the Necronomicon, the book of the dead, as a guide and reference in dealing with demons and spirits that are looking to swallow your soul. Now this item comes with a warning. When using the Necronomicon you take a chance on unleashing the forces of evil instead of containing them. That is why you must always be sure to recite the destruction spell exactly when using this book…Klaatu barracuda nicotine…or something like that. Just make sure you get it right.
Item #6: Stupid Pills: Yeah, you are kind of setting up the other people in your group to become maggot food for whatever is attacking everyone but, well…fuck them. This is about you surviving not them. If you have ever noticed in a lot of horror films the characters do some pretty stupid stuff, well it is because they have taken a stupid pill. Now, you can make sure the people you are with make those same stupid mistakes like going off by themselves, having sex or actually trying to fight the killer. Slip a few of these babies into the drinks of your ‘friends’ and they will be dead in no time and you will be walking away free and clear into the movies next sequel.
Item #7: A Fat Friend: A fat friend is a slow friend; a slow friend is a dead friend which means you are still one step ahead of the fat friend. Unless you’re fighting The Blob then the fat friend is just adding to the problem.
Item #8: Last Night One Earth, A Touch of Evil and Invasion From Outer Space Board Games: This survival crate will equip you with everything you need during a horror movie scenario as it happens but it will also provide you with several board games to play and train you for various types of threats. Thus, Flying Frog Productions is the company that would provide me with my training games. With their board games featuring zombie scenarios, gothic horror encounters and aliens invading earth, all with a B-movie motif, you and your family can have fun while also training to survive a blood soaked nightmare. Check out their stuff HERE!
Item #9: Heavy Metal Soundtrack: That’s right. Back in the 80’s horror and heavy metal went hand in hand, with tons of the films sporting soundtracks from heavy metal bands. Whether it was Fastway providing the tunes for the movie ‘Trick r’ Treat’, Megadeth playing the song ‘No More Mr. Nice Guy’ for ‘Shocker’ or Alice Cooper providing tunes for ‘Friday the 13th: Part VI’, you need your own heavy metal soundtrack to enter your scenes like a boss on camera. If you have a tune from Slayer, Venom or Exodus blasting when you come on screen everyone will know your ass means business and that you have come to kick ass and chew bubble gum…and you’re all out of bubble gum.
Item #10: A Plot Hole/Scene Re-Write: There is going to be a time when the other items in this survival crate is not going to work for you. This item is your last ditch effort to stay alive. Most horror movies have huge plot holes that just do not make sense at all that are just there to make the movie advance its story. When confronted by what is going to kill you just confront it with the logic plot hole of the horror film you are in and jump through that bastard to safety. This will only work once per movie so use it wisely.
Also, you will have access to one complimentary scene rewrite in the script just in case there isn’t any plot holes to exploit or the movie is just very well written. This is a direct line to the director that rewrites your death scene into a survivor scene. Sure, you might end up having to blow the director for this but hey you are still covered by the Virgin Card provided in this crate. No Worries.
*No promises are made to survive the sequel