Available: August 1st, 2014 Europe
Label: Napalm Records
Skullbanger T: Hey there everybody! Skullbanger T here for Skullbanger Media and we are proud to present to you the FIRST Heavy Metal Commentator Music Review in the style of Wide World of Sports! That’s Right Folks! My co-host, Aleksander von Superschwanz, and myself will be giving in depth and insightful reviews of your favorite metal bands…play by play style! It’s like Monday Night Football…but not.
v. Superschwanz: I don’t care for American football.
Skullbanger T: YOU WHAT? I always knew you were a Commie bastard.
Hey, I have a joke. Knock, Knock.
v. Superschwanz: Who’s there?
Skullbanger T: AMERICA, MOTHER FUCKER! GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, SCHLONGSHWANZ!
Skullbanger T: ANYWAY, Our first review will be none other than Pirate Metal band Alestorm’s new album, Sunset on the Golden Age. So let’s kick this pig!
Most people know Alestorm as clusterfuck pirates, fronted by a guy who looks like a Scottish Weird Al, who like to sing about drinking a lot, also they like to sing about pirate stuff. Which includes drinking a lot. Also they sing about wenches…who drink a lot. Basically, there is a lot of drinking.
So we see Sunset on the Golden Age opens up with the song “Walk the Plank,” which is always an opening line I use on the prostitutes when I look to score! Let me tell you, it works like a charm along with the fiver I slip them. However, listening to this song for some reason I am not so sure it is about trying to woo the ladies of the night. I think it is literally about people walking a plank. Talk about a boner killer. Schlongslurp, what do you think about this opening track? Be honest. You think my idea of it being a prostitute pick up line is a better song topic, don’t you?
v. Superschwanz: Not exactly. Alestorm can probably get laid without having to woo the ladies of the evening with a song. That’s just part of being in a metal band—unless you’re a bass player. Anyway, the opening track “Walk the Plank” sets us up nicely as the intro to Alestorm’s fourth studio album. You couldn’t mistake this for anyone else’s song. The sound, the tone, the piracy all scream Alestorm. Imagine: you’ve been captured, fed soggy rations, given nothing but water to drink, possibly tortured—just a little, just for fun—and now you’re going to walk the plank into deep, dark…beer? rum? Fitting how the next song is called “Drink” (followed later by “Mead From Hell” and the Taio Cruz cover “Hangover”). A solid foundation of drinking songs is requisite for a band named after an alcoholic brew, is it not?
Skullbanger T: Well I am a Teatotaler. Pure of mind and pure of body, you know what I’m saying! I’m not saying I’m better than you but…that’s what I’m saying. I have to say though these drinking songs would do great on Frat row at universities or to close down a pub. Not that I know what it is like in pubs since I only drink a lot of Mt. Dew and play Dungeons and Dragons. Speaking of which, I wonder if I could stat this Surf Squid they sing about. I know I like to dazzle the ladies with my love tentacle, imagine what they will think when I bust out a 2d6 tentacled Nymphosquid! What say you, SchlongSchwanz?
v. Superschwanz: Teatotaler? Dude, I can smell the Jack Daniels on your breath from across the Atlantic. Anyhow, if I understand the premise behind “Surf Squid Warfare,” the band travels into the future to battle undead cephalopod horrors from outer space with surf guitar metal and copious amounts of beer in a Terminator-like plot to save humanity. It’s a selfless gesture and a great example of Alestorm’s growth as an established metal act: they aren’t afraid to try new approaches to songwriting, even if that means challenging their metalhead fanbase with unconventional segues, such as the rapped lyrics in “Hangover” and the Nintendoized 8-bit intro to “1741 (The Battle of Cartagena).” Keeping the creative drive going over four albums would be tough for any band, but imagine how tough it is for one shackled in irons to cliché-ridden pirate themes. The Alestorm lads have handled being shipwrecked, committing mutiny at sea, drowning their sorrows with Nancy the Tavern Wench, battling the great Leviathan, and going back in time to plunder their Dark Ages predecessors, the Vikings. Alestorm have indeed grown, but they’ve also stayed true to their roots without succumbing to stagnation.
Wait, what does Dungeons & Dragons have to do with anything?
Skullbanger T: Look, I have to add the Jack Daniel’s for my glaucoma ok. It is for medicinal reasons
and I have a card. Speaking of Nintendo metal…dude you ever play Castlevania…total Classic…and metal. That Grim Reaper Boss was an asshole…until you Holy Water Bomb his ass! Also, this ‘1741’ song is based off actual Nintendo historical records right? Megaman or something…maybe Ghosts and Goblins.
Yeah Alestorm seem to be indeed growing in reputation…what kind of reputation I am not sure. I wonder since they have time traveling Pirate songs if they could get a role in a Doctor Who episode…or Time Bandit’s 2 when Terry Gilliam is finally finished with that long awaited Adventures of Baron Munchausen sequel. I hear the working title of that is ‘Attack of the Munchies’. I hear he wants James Franco and Seth Rogen to star.
I see the album closes out with ‘Sunset in a Golden Shower’ is this a tribute to R. Kelly?
Also, I am going to veer off topic a bit here, I know you can’t see me, but due to how manly I have presented myself in this review how much do you think I could bench press? Two, three hundred pounds? Also, I don’t do ‘roids. Be honest.
v. Superschwanz: One unnecessary pop culture reference after another. Why do I have to put up with this?
So, yes, Sunset on the Golden Age ends with the title track, an eleven-minute opus that almost seems to be a closing curtain on Alestorm’s pirate theme. Are the band putting down their gaff hooks, stuffed parrots, and privateer’s licenses? Probably not. They certainly won’t be following the trail marked by R. Kelly (no pun intended), as my partner so crudely suggests. But where else can Alestorm go? The heavy metal seas are vast, their depths unsounded. A bunch of boozed up Scotsmen should have no trouble discovering new, if not absurd, lands to plunder and exploit.
I just hope there are no golden typhoons involved, although I don’t doubt you’d enjoy that Mr. T.
Skullbanger T: Nothing like a warm shower that is for sure!
I’m not sure where else Alestorm can go either. Maybe to Finland because that is where pirates are! Also, maybe tour Tennessee, it has a rich pirate history as well. They could set sail on Dale Hollow Lake and fight off the evils of the TVA. In fact I think the next Alestorm album should be called ‘Dale Hollow Booty Call’ and feature the adventures of Tomahawk Mace as he plunders campsites and hillbilly women.
So there you have it! Alestorm wins with a Homerun for 7 points and a hat trick. ‘MERICA!
Until next time this is Skullbanger T and Schlongstroke signing off!
For a more logical music review check out Callum’s review HERE!